To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax and, and so you float.
Alan Watts
We all want the best life can give us. But quite often we are thrown down by things that seem in our way. There is no one fits all solution to any of those problems that get between us and our goals. I’m sure you have goals and dreams which seem unattainable over time as you have one set back after another.
Let me be honest. For the majority of my life, I have struggled with psychological issues. Mostly stemming from being told when I was younger I have a limit. I am dyslexic, so many people wanted to use that label to describe me. Describe my abilities, describe what I can achieve and what I can’t achieve. I often got told, “Chris, you’re just not academic!” or “you know you can’t do that!” when I was young. My report card consistently said that I “lacked self-confidence”.
In my early adult years, I was desperately trying to get away from this stigma, desperately reaching for far out goals. My dyslexia actually showing me the possible paths to take and it has been my strength. But at the back of my mind there was always that voice that told me that I could not do it. I strived for success and my psychology brought me down.
Due to this aggressive pursuit of happiness, I found myself failing again and again as my psychology burned me out. Whether it was in relationships (friendships or not), professional pursuits or just a simple hobby. The task would not get finished or the relationship would break down. Guarenteed, I didn’t have the best role models for healthy relationships as I grew up. However I still believe it has more to do with what I am about to talk about.
I recently came across the quote at the top of this article. It resonated with me in more ways than one. It was like the final puzzle piece had been put into place. Again, I find my personal relationship to be challenging. But this has been the healthiest relationship I have ever had, I haven’t been more attracted to anyone than this person. Yet I fell into a temporary deep depression. Why?
I was trying to grab the goal. I was trying to force it. Like getting a puzzle piece and a hammer, smacking it until it fit. But then that puzzle piece is bruised and not so nice to look at anymore (no association with my partner because she is the most beautiful woman on the planet, just a description of a situation I was trying to force). Thing is, I’m expecting life to be like clay. There is a goal, I lay out the objectives, I take steps to complete each objective, then I reach the goal. But it never works that way. Life is never linear, it goes off in all sorts of unexpected directions.
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.
Not Charles Darwin (but whoever said it created an awesome quote that resonated with many)
I took the “Charles Darwin” quote seriously for many years, everytime there was a roadblock or hurdle, I would think, “how can i change my tactic to get this lump out of my clay?” I realise now that it was totally the wrong way of thinking. It is exhausting, time consuming and takes up so much energy to reorganise our thoughts, think how we can work this problem out and still reach our objective (or even scrap it all and start again). Being that ridgid tends to cause things to snap rather then bend.
Well, then we just come back to Alan Watts quote. But water can’t be shaped, it’s a fluid. We can push it in certain directions, we can swim through it but we cannot mold it. Not unless we pour it into a container and each of us individuals are too small to be that container, only an organisation can do that.
But then Silly Putty is probably the best analogy I can think of. If you grab Silly Putty, it will explode in different directions. If you try to mold it, it will spring back to something similar to what it was before, but a little different. If you try swimming through it, you will get stuck. But hell, you can run across it, but lets not get sidetracked. When you mold Silly Putty though, it does leave an imprint. It changes slightly into the form you wanted it to be. But reaching for the ultimate perfection is ridiculous. So what if, we just mold one tiny bit of the Silly Putty? What if we push a tiny piece into the place we want it to be. It will stay. But isn’t it just tempting to do that to all of the Silly Putty? Grab it all at once? No, it will explode!
So sometimes when we get hurdles thrown up on the way to our goals. We have to just accept that they are there. Sometimes, we just need to accept things as they are. Change the little things that matter the most and leave the rest. Others will make sure that part is okay. Others will mold the other small parts. Eventually, you all together, can create the container.
In my relationship, I need to accept certain anxieties my girlfriend has. I need to accept that there are certain areas where she cannot support me. I need to accept her wants, wishes and needs. Try to shape my own Silly Putty, before we talk about shaping hers. Eventually ensuring both our Silly Putty resembles the puzzle pieces we wish them to be, together. Some things you cannot control and cannot reach to perfection. Some things you need to accept as being what they are.